my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
