Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
