I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
