So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
