I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
