tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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