We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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