I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
