My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize