he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize