Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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