he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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