i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
