i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
