Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
