How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just cropdusted the office
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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