Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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