sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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