Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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