At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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