Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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