Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
