Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You were trust falling into bushes
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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