Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
