So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
why do cheetos always look like penises
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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