i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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