Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
