he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
