i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
