How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Is it penis luge time yet?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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