Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
