I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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