Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
As shirtless as possible
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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