Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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