just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
