The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Drunk is a universal language darling
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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