There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
