I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
