I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
