My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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