just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
