he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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