Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize