If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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