I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
