you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
