no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
