I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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