it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
