My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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