And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Still dying that you shit outside
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
