Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
