youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
