My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
