I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
