Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
