True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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