There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
