I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize