upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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