I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just pee around me
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
