I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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