I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
smell my finger.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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