Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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