I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
