I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
