I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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