did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
