i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
